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My 5-year old is rebelling against zoom school by mouthing words instead of speaking so as to make her teacher think there’s something wrong with the unmuting function
— Spencer Ackerman (@attackerman) October 15, 2020
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 10, 2020
I’ve started reading my children Roald Dahl’s Matilda, and there’s nothing like sharing one of the most pivotal stories of your formative years as your kids screech about how boring it is.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) October 11, 2020
I literally troll my neighborhood for moms with stroller bassinets because I am so starved for socialization. Like hey, you look like you haven’t slept in months either! Can I get your number?
— Emily Favreau (@emilyfavreau) October 16, 2020
I got a call from the school nurse about my 6-year-old.
I thought for sure it was going to be covid.
Instead, my kid had accidentally poked herself in the eye with the corner of a book.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 14, 2020
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 10, 2020
how to correctly parent:
1. dont give your kids iPads
2. dont feed them junk food
3. dont yell
4. give them iPads
5. feed them mcdonalds and ice cream
6. cry from frustration
forget rules and do the best you can, because sanity.
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) October 13, 2020
My son said he made “Tier 100” on Fortnite, so I asked him, “But are you Tier 100 in your schoolwork?” and just like that, my jeans rose 7 inches to cover my bellybutton, and a D.A.R.E. fanny pack appeared on my good hip with an AARP card inside.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) October 15, 2020
My 14yo is VERY SUBTLE when the bananas get brown enough to be used for muffins. pic.twitter.com/lebFxFedH6
— Kiersten White News (@kierstenwhite) October 15, 2020
I accidentally ate all of my wife’s favorite ice cream, then I accidentally put the empty container in my son’s room so I wouldn’t get in trouble
— The Dad (@thedad) October 15, 2020
Can you imagine taking your kids somewhere fun and no one complains and everyone has a good time and then you come home and they say “thank you” and you don’t even threaten to cancel all fun until the end of time?
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 16, 2020
As a parent, I’ve learned you apparently need an education from Hogwarts to make perfect slime.
— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊? (@HomeWithPeanut) October 11, 2020
You think you know what “loud” is and then your 4yo gets on a Zoom call with 15 other preschoolers.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) October 14, 2020
I’m not trying to brag or anything but my kids only made gagging noises like 3 times during dinner.
— Rhyming Monster (@sarabellab123) October 14, 2020
Welcome to parenthood, you’ll get to speak a complete sentence once in four days
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 14, 2020
The downside of being sarcastic parents is you get sarcastic kids
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 13, 2020
I let my kid have a piece of Halloween candy early.
I watched him bite directly into the KitKat rather than pulling it apart at the designated area, and now I have regrets.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) October 14, 2020
Toddler: *drinking greedily*
Me: Whoa slow down bathtime isn’t over yet
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) October 15, 2020
If a toddler has a runny nose and wipes snot on 1,232,873 surfaces in the house, 1 day later, how many people will have a head cold?
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) October 14, 2020